Ironically, this is just in time for Valentine's Day. I did not plan this.
Every person who has traveled and doesn't have a significant other back home has at least considered the possibility of pursuing a romance with a foreigner.
No, not THAT Foreigner!
Let me tell you right off the bat that whatever expectations you may have from rom-coms and the like should be completely disregarded. Think less like Leap Year and more along the lines of Taken as being more likely to happen. If you want to use a movie as a reference that is markedly realistic, please check out Before Sunrise. This 90s film starring Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy focuses on an American man and a French woman meeting on a train to Vienna who decide to spend the remainder of his time in Europe together before his flight leaves in the morning.
Before we continue, I would like to state what parts of travel, holiday, or vacation "romance" I am referring to. I will be focusing on two aspects only: romance while traveling solo, and romance while traveling within a group. I will not be covering Tinder usage or trying to land a one-night stand.
This post will also be covering safety and possible hazards in pursuing a romance while traveling. It may be a bit of a downer, but if we're being honest, this can be an extremely risky action to take. You don't want to find yourself in a Taken situation.
I am happy to report that the limited experiences I have had were situations where I was in no danger, but that doesn't make me the rule. Every traveler, regardless of gender, should take any and all precautions before making the choice to pursue this action.
Solo Travel Romance
Picture this: you're an excited traveler all by yourself in one of the most romantic cities in the world. You've been in the country for only a few hours, you've checked in to your hotel, you've freshened up and look cute, and you're ready to take on the town for adventure. Instead of taking public transportation to your destination, you choose to stretch your legs and walk after having been cooped up in an airplane for hours.
And then, you make eye contact with a handsome local.
Sounds like the start of a romance book or movie, right? Well, the scene may have been embellished a little, but my personal experience was similar to this, and worked out to how a more ideal situation would draw out. And we'll also discuss what could have gone wrong.
The Meeting
You may not meet someone right away. In fact, you may not meet anyone at all, and that's ok. But when you do meet someone and you feel attraction or a connection, the first thing you need to do is trust your gut. Your gut instinct is never wrong, and even if it is an exciting sensation to see a potential romance on the horizon, do not lose your head! Be excited but listen to your gut. If anything at all seems off, politely excuse yourself and find a means of putting distance between you and this person.
In my scenario, I was 2 hours in Rome, had just left my hotel and wasn't looking too particularly cute (but cute enough), but I had a destination in mind: the Termini. I was walking down somewhat familiar streets from my last visit, when I saw a young man wandering around by himself, looking a little lost. I kept moving, but soon, he came up to me asking for help. He was a traveler like me, and he spoke decent English. He needed some help because he had never been to Rome before and would be meeting with friends later.
What Went Right vs. What Could Have Gone Wrong
Having been to the Termini several times before, I told him I could take him there. My intent was to find a Hop-On-Hop-Off bus tour by myself. I also wanted to bring him there in case my gut instinct was wrong. I decided to just go with it, and here are the steps I took to ensure my safety.
Step One: Go Somewhere with Lots of People
I was a little nervous, but my gut instinct was telling me that this guy was harmless. We introduced ourselves, then I explained that I wasn't from Rome either but had been here before, and where I was going. He asked if he could come along.
Important: do NOT tell anyone where you're staying until more familiarity has been established.
Here's a little something to consider as well
Bringing this person to a heavily populated place will provide you with plenty of witnesses should they try to take advantage of you. It's also easier to escape from one person when there are more people around, and there is more likely to be security personnel.
Once we made it to the Termini, I took his phone number and added him on Messenger, but I didn't give him my number, nor did I add him on Facebook. He was fine with this arrangement, and I planned to move on, but he had asked me to wait till he spoke with the friends he was meeting and gave them a call.
Step Two: Establish that you have friends coming
Now, having brought this guy at the Termini, I indicated that I was planning to move on. He asked me if I had friends, and I told him the truth that yes, I did have friends, but I didn't tell him that they were friends I hadn't met yet because my Contiki tour hadn't begun. He told me that he had reached his friends, but they had gone to the beach, and one of them would be back around 2. Since his friends would be back before my group was supposed to meet, he asked if he could tag along with me.
I checked my gut again and there were still no alarms going off, so I said yes, he could join me.
As stated above, I didn't tell him that I hadn't met my friends formally yet. I am not the type of person to advocate for lying, but some situations require that you do not tell the truth. If you're the religious type, please refer to a character from the Bible named Rahab who lied to keep Hebrew spies safe. Because of her actions, she was included in the line of Christ, so if she can lie and receive that kind of honor, then you can lie to save your own life if you have to (Joshua 6, Matthew 1:5)!
When traveling and you meet someone, one of the first things they will do is ask if you are alone. Even if you are alone, LIE. Tell them you are waiting on friends. This will also give you an out if you find that you need a quick exit. If you have the opportunity and the cell phone plan, find a way to reach out to a friend or family member and ask them to be on standby if you need them to be.
Step Three: Take a picture of the person
After this young man and I had spent about 45 minutes together, I had offered to take a picture of him at one of the locations we were checking. He did hesitate a little and said that he wasn't very photogenic. When I asked again later, he said sure. I took a few more pictures of him during our time together, and you know what? He wasn't kidding. He was a fairly attractive guy, but he didn't take pictures well. It happens.
This step can be executed as early as you want, but this is a move that is better done in a smart manner. Making this offer can held reveal bad intentions early on. If need be you can play the cute one and say you want a picture to best remember them by because flattery can work in your favor.
Red flag: the person becomes defensive and says that they don't take pictures.
If the person you have met doesn't want to take a picture, that's fine. But if they are vehemently against you taking one for any reason, consider this your cue to make a swift exit. This is a sign that this person most likely has unsavory intentions.
Yellow flag: the person hesitates and says they're not entirely comfortable.
This is a yellow flag because some people aren't comfortable taking pictures, whether for personal, religious, or even vanity purposes. The reason may be legit, so accept this excuse the first time, then try again when they're feeling a little more comfortable. If they give you one of the excuses above, pay attention to your gut. However, if they change their mind and allow you to take one, that's usually (key word) a green flag. I would still advise sending that picture to a trusted friend or family member ASAP to be safe.
Green flag: sure!
Most of the time, an emphatic agreement is an indicator that the person doesn't have bad motives. This would usually imply that the person is genuinely interested in you and wants to remember you, but as stated before, still send a picture of this person to a contact as soon as possible.
Step Four: Keep to streets or areas where there are lots of people around
The young man and I explored the area around the Termini and checked out a church before exploring the side streets. We chatted while taking pictures of the sights, discussing our plans in the country, and generally getting to know each other. I wasn't sure where we were headed, but as long as there were people around, I was more at ease. My gut still wasn't going off.
It is vitally important that despite your gut giving you the go-ahead that you keep your safety at the forefront. If you opt to stay outside, keep to busy streets where there are people milling along the sidewalks or have a good number of cars and other vehicles. This should discourage bad behavior when there are more witnesses about. And stay as close to the buildings as possible, as someone can be snatched from the edge of the street into a car or van.
If you want to go to any venues, try to go for museums or churches first. These are both areas where being quiet is advised, so if the person tries anything sleazy with you, you can make a lot of noise and someone will come by to tell you to keep it down. Plus, churches are usually a deterrent for people with bad intentions!
Restaurants are a good backup plan as you will have waiters and servers coming by often. I would be wary of bars and clubs because they can be tourist traps with people on the lookout for easy marks. For all you know, this person you have met may be leading you someplace like that on purpose. To further keep your safety in check, skip the bar and find somewhere else. If they are insistent on taking you to some specific venue and won't take no for an answer, make your escape.
Step Five: Leave them wanting more
If everything has gone well by this point, it still may be a long con. Do not silence your gut if it starts trying to warn you after a long period of being quiet. The more time spent with this person may lower the chances of that happening, but this early on, it's probably still not zero.
After spending a few hours together, find a reason to part. This is not to ghost or scare them away, but to check on their intentions. This person could be someone nice who just wanted to be friendly with someone from another country instead of a prospective romance. By parting, you can also indicate to them how important your time is and that if you want to make them a potential priority, you are the one calling those shots.
When the person agrees to this, it is yet again another green flag. You shouldn't message or call them back right away because you could come off as too eager, which could repel them, or worse, make you look like an easy mark. Wait an hour or a few before reaching out to them. And remember, don't tell them where you're staying.
In the event the person reaches out to you first, prioritize your agenda. If you do want to make time for this person and are unable to at the moment, communicate this to them. When they understand and try to work with your agenda, that's usually an indicator of the start of a friendship or more.
It's when the person seems a little too eager to meet you again that you can enter a yellow flag area. The person may just be lonely and not want to be by themselves in a strange land, which is a perfectly acceptable excuse. Or this could be a setup. Pay attention to how they respond to your plans and listen to your gut. Loneliness can lead to guilting, so take any sign of guilting as a red flag. You don't need that on your trip.
The conclusion of my story is that the young man and I eventually parted ways after one of his friends was able to pick him up. She was a cool person, and we chatted a bit and shared some hugs before we all moved on. It wasn't long though before he was reaching out to me and asking me if we could hang out again. I explained to him that I had met up with my friends and that we would be out on the town that night before leaving in the morning. I informed him I would be back in Rome later and we might be able to meet up then.
We did correspond a few other times, but he didn't seem to grasp the concept that I had left Rome because he kept asking me if we could meet up. I finally was back in Rome and let him know when I was free, but he ironically wasn't. My verdict was that this guy got a little excited about a possible holiday romance, but I wasn't interested in that. He was nice, but a little too eager.
One of the nice things about this type of scenario though is that when you return home, you no longer have the ability to see the people you're not interested in. This guy and I had a nice afternoon together, and I wished him well. Overall, I am extremely fortunate that I was never in any danger.
The Bottom Line
Being alone in a foreign country is an exciting but sometimes hazardous experience, and inexperience can often land you in difficult situations. Your gut instinct is your best defense, so don't question it if it starts trying to warn you. Having a romance with a stranger when you're traveling alone may seem ideal, but it can also put you at an extreme disadvantage if you aren't careful.
In Before Sunrise, the characters of Jesse and Celine have a natural meeting aboard a train and spend time getting to know one another for the duration of their trip before he invites her to join him in Vienna. This film, more realistic than all others, shows the development of chemistry between two people in a way that is not only natural, but healthy. There's no coercion and no red flags. It is also the single example for a best-case scenario when traveling.
Just don't forget that while realistic, Before Sunrise is a work of fiction. Don't be swept away by Hollywood ideals.
Group Travel Romance
This method may be safer but can be more complicated. The upside to group travel romance is that you are around friends at this point who can offer support or advice with the person you're interested in. You are also around this person more often and can take advantage of the time you have together to hopefully develop a steady relationship.
Harsh Realities
Still, just because you're traveling in the same group doesn't always mean that things will work out with the person you're interested in. Here are several things to consider when choosing to pursue someone in your group:
They may not be interested in you, or may be interested in someone else
This is the most likely issue you will come across in group travel romance. That smoking hot guy or gal from a different country, or maybe even your own country, that you would like to get to know better is not guaranteed to return your interest. It is markedly important that you try to establish that you have mutual interest. If they do not, then move on.
The inability to give up your interest if this person is already taken or has their eye on someone else, or even is happy being single will be noticeable by others in your group. You may not care how you come off, but an unrequited love with someone you barely know is not worth pining over. You deserve better. Especially if they want to be with someone else in your group. Avoiding drama will make you the bigger person in the long run.
They may be involved with someone else back home
Some people aren't comfortable being open about their love life. The person you're interested in may not give you a reason as to why they aren't interested back, and that reason could be that they are already in a relationship. It's best to not press the issue if this person won't disclose that they prefer to keep their relationship status to themselves.
They may be dishonest about being single
One of the best things about traveling with a group is that nobody knows you beforehand. However, there are some people who revel in that mindset and will tell you they're single when they have someone waiting for them at home. Or several. Yes, this does happen when traveling, and they can seriously hurt you.
Travel romance may be an amazing experience, but it can still blindside you if you aren't careful. Don't allow yourself to fall too hard for this person, because you must face the fact that you barely know them. Communication is the best key, but even the smoothest liars can beat that.
They may have a different idea of what they want for a travel romance
You may be interested in a short-term romance, and they may want something that could potentially lead to a longer commitment. Or they may only be looking for a one-night stand. This may potentially be demoralizing if neither of you are clear on what your motivation is. Once again, be clear on what it is you want from that person. If your goals don't add up, then it's best to stick to your guns and move on. If the person doesn't respect you for your choices, then you will have dodged a bullet.
They may be from a country or culture that has different values that may conflict with yours
Cultures across the world often have different dating practices. You may be wanting to be involved with someone for the duration of your trip, but that person may have an entirely different idea of what is comfortable or even appropriate for their values. You may come across someone who has chosen to be celibate and is happy being that way or prefers to wait until marriage before becoming physical.
You should never try to force your different ideals on someone who has either been raised with a certain type of values or has made that personal choice for themselves.
If their choices conflict with your needs, then it's best to stay friends them instead.
Pursing a Healthy Travel Romance
I may have sounded cynical up to this point, but the truth is that holiday romance can be more complicated than it seems. One of the simple truths is that the time you have with this person is currently limited. If it is a goal of yours to become involved with someone on your trip, then it's best to go in with the right mindset.
I am someone who has had a variety of experiences on trips, but the drama I have witnessed far outweighs what I have gone through. Drama is not something you want to incite in a group setting because it will never end well for any party. Here's some tips on how to avoid drama when pursuing a travel romance in a group setting.
Be ready for anything
Whether you're determined to find someone to get involved with, or you become interested in someone after having spent a few days with them, you should be ready for their answer to be no. Be hopeful that something can blossom with this person, but also be prepared that they won't reciprocate. Never expect that such a thing will be happening. Accept the reality that nothing will happen and you won't be as disappointed.
Remember, you are traveling. You are on an adventure. To allow a person that you may only meet once in your life to ruin your trip is silly. The worst that person can say is that they're not interested. If they don't see your worth, then move on and continue having a good time. It's their loss, not yours!
Communicate
As stated above, your expectations for a holiday romance may be vastly different. Make sure that if this person returns your interest and wants to get involved with you that you are on the same page. If you only want to be involved for the duration of the trip, say so. If you want a relationship that will endure past your trip, let that person know.
Nothing will wreck your potential relationship faster than miscommunication, especially if the person you want to be with is from another country. You don't want to be presumptuous, and you don't want that person to be confused if they do something they didn't realize was not okay.
Know when to walk away
You may do everything right, but sometimes that still means that things won't work out. Your romance may be brief and fizzle out before the trip ends. It's sad, but it happens. Don't drag out a romance that has already burnt out and communicate to this person that it's time to end things.
Or maybe things didn't quite reach romance level. You had some fun together, but it turned out the other person, while interested at first, changed their mind for some reason, or you're the one who came to that conclusion. There's nothing wrong with acknowledging that things didn't work out for whatever reason. Be open and honest and do your best to make sure that neither of you gets hurt.
Talk to others in your group
Believe it or not, sometimes admitting that you're interested in someone within your group will become a bonding experience between yourself and your new traveling friends! If you're becoming good friends with a roommate, or a clique of people, let them in on your little crush and see how they react. When traveling, it's usually prudent to allow for at least one other person in on what's happening. And, it's also fun to be in on your friends' crushes too!
By being open with your friends, they can provide you with feedback, especially if you're newer to a group and the person or people you're now friends with have traveled with this other person longer and know them better. These people will often know if they're single or not, or if someone else is interested in them. Or better, they may love the idea of the two of you hooking up and start shipping the two of you!
On the other hand, they may also be aware that you pursuing this person is not the best idea. They can be honest in letting you know that your personality clashes with the person you're interested in. In my experience, these friends are usually right. And truthfully, you don't want to waste time pursuing who's not a good match.
Then there's the difficult scenario: you and another person (or sometimes, persons!) are interested in the same guy or gal.
This is a situation that should be determined by the person who is being pursued. Who do they want? They may not even want any of you! My best advice here would be to test the waters with this person to see if there's a connection. If there is, communicate with the other one who's interested in them and try to explain that you've clicked.
Just be tactical about it.
If it turns out the person you're pursuing wants the other one, be the bigger person and step back. Nobody who isn't interested in you is worth wasting time on your vacation.
Going forward, remember only this: you have most likely saved a good amount of money or taken some much needed time away from your job and responsibilities to be where you're currently at. A failed attempt at romance is not the end of the world. Continue having a good time without them. You are here for yourself, and even if you're hurt by this person's actions or even inactions, it's not worth ruining your trip.
A Glimpse of What Worked
My post about the best experiences I had while traveling included the one where I was kissed by a young man in Paris.
Without going into any major details, what transpired between us was not something that I had planned. I had undergone a civil breakup several months prior to that trip and wasn't in the mood to pursue anything. Even when I met this guy there were no sparks whatsoever. I was introduced to him, he was introduced to me and everyone else in our newbie group, and then the rest of his group followed with their introductions. It was nearly the end of the trip before anything began to develop between us.
What did happen over those few days after we met was that he and I somehow found ourselves constantly running into each other at times when we were both separated from our group. We didn't actively seek each other out. And we became friends first, which did eventually lead to something more the day that kiss happened. In the end, we parted as friends, which I fully believe was the appropriate way to end things.
Sometimes attraction simply blossoms when you least expect it. As long as the two of you communicate and stay on the same page, a healthy experience or long-term relationship can happen!
If you want an idea of how things progressed between the two of us, I'll refer again to Before Sunrise. While definitely not following the same plot, beats, or events, the conversations between Jesse and Celine were very reminiscent of the ones I had with my young man as we explored Paris instead of Vienna. And the content was more of a Hallmark movie.
Ultimately, is it worth it?
Well, there are plenty of people out there who found their partner or soulmate by traveling. It is something that, under the right circumstances, can work out in a safe and healthy manner. But being out there in the world by yourself does come with many risks that do need addressing.
The two things to remember when deciding to pursue a travel romance under any condition is to listen to your gut and know if and when to walk away from that idea or that person. I have said it many times in this post, and I'll say it again: it's not worth it to allow a failed attempt at romance ruin your trip.
To conclude, I would say it is at least worth trying it once in your travels, provided that the situation is fitting. Whether or not it's something you would like to pursue throughout your travels is dependent on you. Use your best judgment, and don't allow yourself to be swept away by romantic ideals.
As stated in my last post, my new job will be more time consuming, so I won't be able to post as often as I'd like to. So, my next post is still currently being decided, but you should hopefully see it sooner rather than later!
Until then, stay safe, and be prepared for your next adventure!
Images courtesy of Giphy.
